I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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