we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
