It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
40s are totally the cure
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
