WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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