I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
