you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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