This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
