so explain again why im purple
no
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
