the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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