I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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