Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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