maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
