best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
