A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
