Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
