If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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