Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
