when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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