you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
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We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
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She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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