Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
