I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
