I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
