the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
