Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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