we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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