then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
