my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We left the knife in your bed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
