shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
