She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
