his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
