I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
