What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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