Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
