you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So many bounce houses so little time
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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