I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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