You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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