the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
