Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
