i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
