____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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