I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend