Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Randomize
