I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
