I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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