I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
