Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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