Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
