Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
