sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
