I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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