I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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