i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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