He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
