I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
