My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
