Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
