i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
