considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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